I don't do waiting very well. I am a results kind of girl. I see a problem, I weigh the options, I make a decision, and then I want results. That has not been the case in my current situation. I am still jobless, despite lots of prayers, begging God for deliverance from this circumstance. And I'm not the only one praying. I have friends and family who are also praying for me.
Yet still, I wait.
I don't understand it. I don't pretend to. There have been days, if I'm being honest, that I have cried. A lot. And I mean ugly, snot-flinging, sobbing crying. It wasn't pretty. But I did feel better afterward. There have also been days I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to have to say, "I'm okay," when asked, with feeling, "So...how are you?" I know those asking mean well, and that they truly care. I just get tired of talking about it.
There have also been days when I've been so sure that God is in control, and that He is at work to answer my prayer. I have known, on those days, that God has never failed me in the past, and that He won't fail me this time. He has always cared about my needs and my tears, and this time is no different. Truth be told, even on my worst days, I have known and believed this. It just gets buried deeper on some days than on others.
What buries this truth? My own doubts. My fear. A glance at my checkbook. Another rejection letter. No telephone calls. Job searches that result in zero possibilities. All these things push the truth down until it's hard to breathe, much less hang on to what I know is right.
It all boils down to this...God isn't moving fast enough for me. There. I said it. Did I mention I don't do waiting very well?
Yesterday, as we sang worship songs at church, I admit, I was having an off day. I was singing the words, but just not feeling them. I admit, I wasn't worshiping. I was just going through the motions. I caught myself doing it on about the third song, and I stopped and prayed.
"God, I am here to worship you. But my heart is not in it. But I don't want my heart to be closed to what you have to say to me today. So right now, I open my heart, my mind, and my spirit to whatever you have to say to me today. Whatever it might be..."
That was my prayer. And God heard me. I immediately felt better, and was able to focus on worship. And then there was the sermon. It was all about worship...thanks to the focus placed on the Christmas song, "O Holy Night." But a section of scripture read during the sermon was what really got my attention...
Lamentations 3:20-26
New Living Translation (NLT)
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![a]
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”
25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
It blessed my heart to hear those words. God's faithfulness never ends, and because of this, I can still dare to hope. He is good to those who depend on Him.
I will not be able to forget this awful time, and I may not wait as quietly as I should, but God brings me new mercies every day. That's enough for me.
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